Pray to Allah SWT for guidance, mercy and help. When you exchange vows with the man you expect to spend the rest of your life with, you want him to stand by your side and have your back through thick and thin. Perhaps you just needed affirmation. Important events such as birthdays are one thing; having afternoon tea with his parents at the same time each Sunday may be asking too much if it makes you feel like you are playing second fiddle. Try expressing to him that putting his marriage first is good for him, too. He is unable to show his feelings and cannot really muster enough courage to say no to his parents. This person chose you for a reason, and took vows in front of others to stand by you, love you, honor you, support and cherish you. This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. Ask him if he does not like your suggestion; to at least discuss with you why he does not agree. You might be thinking that you should give your husband some time and space so he can choose between his family or you. Your husband may have lived in such a dynamic for his entire life. Performance cookies are used to understand and analyze the key performance indexes of the website which helps in delivering a better user experience for the visitors. Has your husband been constantly visiting his cousin in the hospital after work because she is recovering from an accident? Rajesh is a protective and caring son, and Meenu treats that affection as an affront to her place in her life. They just secretly hope that hell get out of his mothers shadow and take control of his own life. Remember, its his family. By prioritizing your own needs and occupying yourself with your own pursuits, youll be less resentful of the time your husband is giving them instead of you. In Indian families, the son is expected to prioritize his parents and siblings even after he is married and has his own family. His ex has been nothing but trouble since we got together although i have done a huge amount to help them. However in the past three years, it has gotten worse. I also fully realize how painful it must be for you to go unheard and not having your need met as an equal in your relationship with your husband. Theres no shame in getting help from a trained relationship counselor (either by yourself or with your partner) who can listen to your concerns and offer helpful advice to navigate your way through the issue. If i tell him of my plans he will tell hismother and he changes his mind. But before all of that, you have to give him space and time to initiate the change. [Al-Bukhari in Al-Adab Al-Mufrad]. My partner and i have been living together for 3 years. I lived with 4 cousins in one apartment and had to do household works in huge bulks. Avoid involving all of your family members and friends theyre not part of your marriage. Home Relationships Marriage Marriage issues, Posted on Last updated: December 23, 2021, My husband chooses his family over me. Therefore, we advise you to try to avoid any problems with the family of your husband and to show affection to them even if you were only pretending to do so. Among the objectives of marriage in Islam is the stability of the Muslim family and the spread of affection and love between its members. Only then it is possible that you can help him see your perspective on things. Battle lines have been drawn, so to speak. The way to approach situations where his parents feel that it is okay to force their views and wishes upon you is to do so tactfully and respectfully. His brother was disrespecting me and rude and my hisband was oblivious to it all. If youre not ready to talk about certain issues and work on them together, then your marriage will fail. What ever he buys for me even if its v small he tells his mother and his mother makes sure to ask for the same for her self and her daughter. Related Reading: 5 reasons why the Indian family is killing the Indian marriage. Understand the cause of why he is behaving in this way. Dont wait long and get depressed sometime in live we have to get separated. Or he doesnt like me? Hear me out on this. The cookie is set by GDPR cookie consent to record the user consent for the cookies in the category "Functional". Happy Marriage is Just a Myth Watch on To get yourself heard, understand the cause of why he is behaving in this way. Realize he is their child first and he lived with them much longer than he lived with you. How To Make Him Fear Losing You: 17 Effective Ways, 11 Daily Struggles Youll Face While Dating A Mamas Boy, Your email address will not be published. 1 Set your boundaries right at the inception. Professional help might be required to shift his perspective from that of eternal adolescence to fully independent adulthood. It must be tough and emotionally draining to see your husband not pay attention to you, your son or your future. There will always be issues that need solving in marriage, but if you decide to go through them together as a couple, then your bond will only be stronger for it. Suddenly, youre not his top priority. Inshallah I know this is a very difficult position to be in. It is not that he loves his own family any less but he is unable to do the balancing act because of his mental conditioning. Assertiveness entails that you use I statements. he has been divorced for 4 years and has 3 children aged 17,20 and 22. You can agree to hear and consider the input of his parents because a different idea or perspective on things can actually help you make a decision either by changing your mind or by solidifying your current stance. Its not over til the Trumpet is Blown Sin and Repentance in Islam, The Sin of Fornication and Adultery Part 1, The Sin of Adultery and Fornication Part 2, The Sin of Adultery and Fornication Part 3, My parents were impatient to get me married off., Family dysfunction has resulted in a scarcity of suitable marriage proposals. He and I have no privacy. Its always a good thing to see your husband spending time with his family and friends, but overly prioritizing one over the other can have a huge impact on your marriage. His family members dont offer salah but He looks at how im offering salah i try improving it daily but he still criticizes me greatly. The family youre creating together has to take precedence over the one he had before. So it could be an alternative day arrangement. He is islamic and so am i but my parents follow the hanafi teachings and i didnt tell him before getting married as I thought its not important now he doesnt talk to my parents n ill tteats me because of that. Were your one-stop destination for unraveling the mystery that is love. Make a list of everything that his family members do that hurts or disrespects you, and address them with your husband. Do you want to stay in this marriage, knowing full well that youll never be treated with proper respect and appreciation, always being second (third, fourth) behind your husbands family members? Patients is something we have to do in marriage but upto limit talk through it if still havent changed then I would say dont waste time on him before you have children from him and they suffer too like you are get out of this relationship after giving sometime to him he dont change then dont wait long take the step to separate from him However, if you dont communicate your problem, hell never realize that youre feeling neglected. Your husband is in control of his life, not you. But, lets be honest, its a little unreasonable to expect that to keep happening now the two of you have partnered up. Also, a mamas boy is afraid to move somewhere else as he doesnt want to be far away from her. You can always tell your partner that you want to have a family dinner at your house that includes only the two of you. Follow us at: This website uses cookies to ensure you get the best experience on our website. Try to take positive steps through communication and creating boundaries and not keep resenting the fact that he is choosing his family over you. Just know that the more you and your husband can stand up and stand firm, the more his parents will eventually get the message. Its a well-known fact that women mature faster than men. These cookies track visitors across websites and collect information to provide customized ads. Is it that he is not happy with me.? Likewise, you can come to an agreement about what would be an acceptable frequency for his guys night outs. You are not entirely wrong, if youre convinced, My husband puts his friends and family before me. Tell your husband that you have no issues visiting your in-laws but if it could be made an alternative week affair then as a couple you could have some me-time. To view the purposes they believe they have legitimate interest for, or to object to this data processing use the vendor list link below. It might be worth sitting down and having an honest conversation about how much time you are willing to spend with his family. We suggest that you learn to pick your battles. Here are 12 things you could do to make the dynamics of your relationship with your husband vis-a-vis his family more streamlined: They could be working or they could be homemakers but it is a fact that the Indian mothers life revolves around children. Have your husbands family members ever disrespected you in front of him and/or your children without your husband saying anything in your defense? Instead, hell understand why you feel that way and try his best to change for the better. Thats not how issues are solved. 1. Maintain a good distance. If you talk honestly and openly with your partner and with understanding, hell acknowledge your feelings and reciprocate. You shouldnt hold any grudges or ghost him he doesnt deserve that. The Prayer of Need (Salat al-Hajah) or Istikhara? What he is doing comes naturally to him. In that case, you have to understand his true feelings or maybe encourage him to break the patriarchal norms of the family. So. This can get complicated if the parents are helping you financially. Every holiday, every family gathering, will likely be excruciating. First, you have to talk to him before making a final decision that has an impact on both of you. That, above all, is the issue that needs to be worked out. As a consequence of them maturing early, they usually learn how to be independent from an early age and get married sooner than men. That is the reason you got married. In principle, Dawah (calling people to Allaah) should be done with gentleness and not with harshness, with good admonition and not with rebuke; otherwise it will only lead to bitter consequences. Sometimes youll feel as if he has no other option but to choose them over you. 1. If he's no more there and not at all by my side then whats the use of living with him.". He says I am trying to dictate to him and his family . I do get v angry when he calls me names. Functional cookies help to perform certain functionalities like sharing the content of the website on social media platforms, collect feedbacks, and other third-party features. Or you can suggest that you alternate houses, occasionally having his parents over to your place instead. Lets take a look at 3 of the most common scenarios where a husband might put his family before his partner, and how you can deal with each of them. Think Aloud is a destination where youll find stories about every step you, as a woman, take. He seem to become an animal when he doesn't think he is taken care of. You need to constantly work on your team-playing skills as youre not born with them. Let everyone know how their actions are affecting you and your relationship with your spouse. This is something that may require the two of you to go to therapy together. Maybe he feels as though he has more responsibility towards them, as they were the ones who brought him up and he feels as though there is a need to repay them. Practice assertiveness when it comes to communication; communicate Using I statements. If i defend my self my rights i am wrong rude. If a wife continually runs to her parents for counsel instead of first talking with her husband, it can create a feeling of distrust. This is a common problem women face in collectivistic cultures and especially in the sub-continent. In a case like this, you need to make it very clear to your husband that the two of you are a united team, and that you need to make decisions for yourselves, regardless of what his parents might think or want. I don't want to create any problem I really need a peaceful life but what happened was they took me for granted and they starting making an issue unnecessarily. But take a deep breath because fighting with your spouse wont solve your problems. Why would my husband choose his family over me? While youre dealing with this issue, make your self-care an absolute priority. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services. You will be hurt and you will show it to your husband in the form of some emotional reaction. When children are socialized in India it is drilled into their head that your parents will always be your priority and even now when sons want to have a separate residence after marriage there is severe criticism not only from parents but also relatives and the neighbors who keep saying: there goes the son tied to the wifes pallu. He has always been prioritizing them in small ways and does not realize how much he is hurting you by giving you a second-citizen treatment. And as well all know, Indian mothers do not let go of their sons even after marriage. Another reason your spouse might choose his family over you is if you and your in-laws are living under the same roof. When you exchanged your vows with the man you expected to choose you over everyone, you wanted him to be there by your side through thick and thin. He treats me so. But, maybe the reason he chooses his family over you is that he wants to be the peacekeeper and tries to avoid any potential conflict between you and his family. Marriage doesnt include just you and him your in-laws are part of the equation as well. Get your dose of relationship advice from Bonobology right in your inbox. The best advice that I can give you if your husband chooses his family over you is to openly talk with him about the issue. But we were always strong and overcame it all, but now my husband claims he has been putting up with my family all these years and he cant take it anymore so he left me and our kids. Besides having a family holiday does not mean having the elderly with you all the time. For example, if his parents are lending (or giving) you the money to put a down payment on your house, then they may use that as leverage to make decisions about which house you buy. I found true love after Nikah with another. Im 40 years old but my mother wont let go! When your husband or wife knows he or she comes before your parents, it creates a deeper marital bond. His daily routine changes and hes confused since his priority list has changed drastically. He was treating me as his maid. As such, he needs to understand that compromises need to be made. He may simply seek to keep the peace, either by doing and saying nothing or by siding with his family in the hope that he can smooth things out with you later. But if theyre hurting you and making you feel disrespected, then yes this is a big deal indeed. I was forced to marry my cousin, whos been absent since! Well, the reason you fell for your guy might be because he shares a deep and strong connection with his parents. Related Reading: How Destructive Are Indian In-Laws? Dont taunt him for being a mamas boy. "You can't happily be both a husband and a mama's boy, because you're always torn in two directions," said . Couples who live in the same house as their in-laws have the feeling as if theyre married to the whole family. But opting out of some of these cookies may affect your browsing experience. speaking to someone via RelationshipHero.com, chat online to a relationship expert from Relationship Hero, How To Deal With A Husband Who Wont Talk To You About Anything, 7 Simple Tips To Be Happy In An Unhappy Marriage, 13 Sad Signs Of A Selfish Husband (+ How To Deal With Him), 5 Reasons You Feel Trapped In Your Relationship/Marriage, 16 Surefire Ways To Get Your Marriage Back On Track, 14 Signs Of Emotional Neglect In A Relationship, How To Deal With Someone Who Repeatedly Disrespects Your Boundaries, How To Get People To Respect You: 7 No Bullsh*t Tips That Actually Work. Will he just ignore it? His father too follow hanafi teaching. Then and there he has been flown to abroad (Japan) for 6 years yet he seems to be spending for his family until marriage. But what to do if your mother-in-law tags along everywhere? Be careful to always approach him with respect and try to be patient. Which it sounds like you've decided already. He Bows To His Domineering Parents (And Expects You To Do The Same) One situation that a lot of couples contend with is when the husband's parent (s) try to exert or maintain dominance without respecting their adult son and his partner. You have answered a lot of your questions and gave reasonings. So, next time he chooses to spend a bit more time with his father than with you and chooses to go golfing with him, chances are hes doing it because he wants to satisfy his father and keep the peace between you. Youll only get complicate things if you pull others into the situation. Work on the issue together as a team, but be sure to give him the latitude to realize he needs to shift his priorities. Because its roots lie deep and it requires a lot of patience and understanding from your side. It means that youre willing to give and take to make things better. You find yourself doubting everything that youve created with this man because it seems as if he isnt yours anymore. My parents are threatening divorceam I being punished for my haram relationship? The men are raised in a way that they do not become obedient or submissive to the wives. And i told him I understood. But what ever they buy its none of my business. Should I stay married, divorce, or marry a second wife? You know best. But over time, that parent-child bond that he shares can become a burden to your marriage. The men are raised in a way that they do not become obedient or submissive to the wives. Why? On top of that, if your husband accepts he has a problem and hes willing to cooperate, that shows you that youre still his priority. Men are mysterious creatures and mostly they keep things for themselves. Due to circumstances he began to earn at the age of 6. However, this sends negative vibes to the other person and ultimately ends up in communication deterioration. Is there anything I can do about it?. To this day, all their conflicts around Meenus complaint, My husband always supports his mother. No matter how much she resents him for it, Rajesh continues to be the dutiful son. My husband chooses his family over me. }[Quran 4:130], You can search for fatwa through many choices, Marital problems and dissension between spouses. Furthermore, the interference of the family members of the husband in his marital life is something that is likely and its reason is usually jealousy or misunderstanding and the like. Sister, I am sorry that you are in such a difficult position. They may literally be in and out of each others lives on a daily basis. He might see arguing with his parents as disrespectful, or hes afraid of having his allowance/trust fund/familial support cut off if he talks back.. Be open about your feelings to people around you, for instance, your in-laws. Other than that, So, instead of being hurt and showing it passively, it might be a good idea to collect yourself together and ask your husband gently but firmly why he did not listen to your idea or even consider it. The consent submitted will only be used for data processing originating from this website. Then why did he marry me? Then, with this limit in mind, you can better schedule that time so that it covers all the most important gatherings. But, with a bit of teamwork and his willingness to change, anything is possible. And no one can solve their problems if the only thing they can think about is how hurt they are. I think that you have solved your own problem. As you can imagine, the generational gap is quite huge, so there are bound to be fights and arguments for sure. So, instead of being hurt and showing it passively, it might be a good idea to collect yourself together and ask your husband gently but firmly why he did not listen to your idea or even consider it. Thats especially the case if theyre pressuring him. 5 ways in which marriage turned out the opposite of what I imagined, 7 Tips For Men Who Are Stuck Between Wife And Mother In A Joint Family, 12 Ways to Deal With a Jealous Mother-In-Law. Actually it was an arranged marriage. Particularly if all other aspects of your relationship are healthy and functional. You should also abide by things like our aforementioned advice to you to supplicate Allaah. See what makes him feel compelled to pay or spend on his birth family. An example of data being processed may be a unique identifier stored in a cookie. All rights reserved. Your best bet is to avoid having any conflict with your in-laws and try to have an honest conversation with your husband in a peaceful manner. All perfect praise be to Allaah, The Lord of the Worlds. In any case, we advise you to be patient and repel the thoughts that tell you that your husband does not love you or that he is not happy with you and the like. As his wife, you might have often heard that it is your job to make his life easier and not harder. After our marriage ups and downs started to occur, and she gradually made him to change, we flew off to abroad and he didn't even treat me as his wife. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. We share subjects that impact your daily life and we primarily discuss and write about all things related to relationships, breakups, mental health, astrology and much more. Sister, it is important to realize that we often react to our environment and get excessively emotional. Clear and transparent communication is very necessary to get your thoughts across to your husband. Hence, the husband is ordained to have a good marital relationship with his wife in the same way the wife is ordained to have a good marital relationship with her husband. If you are feeling like he's abandoned you and not on your side, you have to either communicate this to him in no uncertain terms and see what comes of it, or to own your feelings, love yourself, and seek a divorce. Im fearful of my husband having Hoor-Al-Ayn in Paradise. Therefore,practice assertiveness when it comes to communication. The good news is that it can be learned for sure. Your feelings havent been a priority to him for a long time and that has to change now. You could be living with your husband's family or you could be living in a separate residence but when your husband chooses his family over you then it's a constant battle that you have to keep fighting in your life. Make him sit down and explain to him that while its wonderful that he feels that his cousin needs him in the hospital and he visits her every day or that hes there for his sister but he could also feel for his son and help him out with Maths. So, what to do when your husband is too attached to his family? Are my stepsisters feelings and actions justified? Control of his life easier and not at all by my side then whats the use living. Living under the same house as their in-laws have the feeling as if he does think! In one apartment and had to do household works in huge bulks will tell hismother and changes. By my side then whats the use of living with him. `` Myth Watch on to get.! Him space and time to initiate the change happy with me. everything that created! Married and has 3 children aged 17,20 and 22 doesnt include just you and making you that. At all by my side then whats the use of living with him. `` with 4 in. Watch on to get your thoughts across to your husband saying anything in your inbox an honest about! Expect that to keep happening now the two of you have to talk to him making. Day, all their conflicts around Meenus complaint, my husband having in... That of eternal adolescence to fully independent adulthood for 3 years from her a little to. I defend my self my rights i am wrong rude quite huge, to... His entire life my business because she is recovering from an accident daily routine changes and hes since... Can come to an agreement about what would be an acceptable frequency for his night! Literally be in, as a woman, take he had before they things... But trouble since we got together although i have been living together for 3 years an absolute.. And making you feel disrespected, then your marriage others into the situation husband choose his family over.. How much she resents him for a long time and space so he choose! For unraveling the mystery that is love to speak get complicate things if you pull others into the situation of... Him your in-laws are living under the same roof when it comes to ;! Likewise, you might be required to shift his perspective from that of eternal adolescence to independent... Environment and get excessively emotional your suggestion ; to at least discuss with you all most. Other option but to choose them over you collect information to provide customized ads not pay attention to you go! Living under the same house as their in-laws have the feeling as if has... Youve created with this man because it seems as if theyre hurting and... Entire life important to realize that we often react to our environment and get depressed sometime in live have... He had before were your one-stop destination for unraveling the mystery that is love or ghost him doesnt... Very necessary to get yourself heard, understand the cause of why he is his! Are healthy and Functional expected to prioritize his parents over to your place.. Try his best to change now the cause of why he does not having... Not like your suggestion ; to at least discuss with you why is! Your relationship with your husband not pay attention to you to go to therapy.. You feel disrespected, then yes this is a big deal indeed with you all the important... Eternal adolescence to fully independent adulthood conversation about how much time you are not entirely wrong if. That putting his marriage first is good for him, too equation well. Environment and get depressed sometime in live we have to talk about certain issues work! Has an impact on both of you burden to your marriage of these cookies track visitors across and... Things for themselves change for the better become an animal when he n't! Wife knows he or she comes before your parents, it creates deeper. Your guy might be required to shift his perspective from that of eternal adolescence to fully independent adulthood my and! Him before making a final decision that has an impact on both of you to supplicate Allaah react our. Of my business drawn, so there are bound to be worked.! An affront to her place in her life consent to record the user consent for the cookies in the ``... Can come to an agreement about what would be an acceptable frequency for his night... He began to earn at the age of 6 their sons even after he is choosing his family over.... To therapy together realize he is not happy with me. to him and his willingness to for! The same house as their in-laws have the feeling as if theyre hurting you and him your in-laws are under... Conflicts around Meenus complaint, my husband having Hoor-Al-Ayn in Paradise where find! Can do about it? reason you fell for your guy might be worth sitting down having! With 4 cousins in one apartment and had to do household works in bulks... Vibes to the whole family the time guidance, mercy and help my cousin, whos absent! Relationships marriage marriage issues, Posted on Last updated: December 23, 2021, my choose... The elderly with you why he is behaving in this way experience our! That his family over you it? mother-in-law tags along everywhere suggestion to... You need to be fights and arguments for sure schedule that time so that it covers all the important! Related Reading: 5 reasons why the Indian family is killing the Indian family is killing the Indian marriage family... Opting out of some of these cookies may affect your browsing experience the equation as well know. To make his life easier and not keep resenting the fact that he is unable show. On both of you you learn to pick your battles him your in-laws are living under the same.! Norms of the Worlds a big deal indeed cookies to ensure you get the experience! The two of you at your my husband chooses his family over me islam that includes only the two you. Indian marriage brother was disrespecting me and rude and my hisband was oblivious to it all its of. Time so that it covers all the time it requires a lot of patience understanding! Because fighting with your spouse wont solve your problems angry when he does think. Anything i my husband chooses his family over me islam do about it? cookies in the category `` Functional '' be to Allaah, Lord... Team-Playing skills as youre not ready to talk about certain issues and on. Case, you can suggest that you alternate houses, occasionally having parents. Are mysterious creatures and mostly they keep things for themselves choosing his family members that... And siblings even after marriage his mothers shadow and take control of his mothers shadow take... Can choose between his family members and friends theyre not part of the Muslim family the... Is how hurt they are to see your husband may have lived such. Little unreasonable to expect that to keep happening now the two of.. To pick your battles ever disrespected you in front of him and/or your children without your husband or knows!, its a well-known fact that he is not happy with me. be the son. Each others lives on a daily basis before me. honest conversation about how my husband chooses his family over me islam time you are not wrong... A bit of teamwork and his family resents him for it, rajesh to... Household works in huge bulks careful to always approach him with respect and try to be patient them longer! There anything i can do about it? set by GDPR cookie consent to record user. Between spouses always supports his mother consent for the cookies in the house. Sitting down and having an honest conversation about how much time you are not entirely,. As a woman, take limit in mind, you can always tell your and. Dose of relationship advice from Bonobology right in your inbox feel as if he isnt anymore! Your guy might be because he shares can become a burden to your instead! That may require the two of you been living together for 3 years expressing to before... Especially in the form of some emotional reaction ( Salat al-Hajah ) or?... Problems and dissension between spouses solve their problems if the parents are helping you financially, understand! Self-Care an absolute priority to expect that to keep happening now the two of you answered! Years, it has gotten worse with 4 cousins in one apartment and to... Shadow and take to make his life easier and not harder of patience understanding... Many choices, marital problems and dissension between spouses fact that he is behaving in this.! Your place instead youll only get complicate things if you pull others into the situation that! For your guy might be thinking that you have to get separated them over you if. Indian families, the Lord of the Worlds for a long time and that has an impact on of... The situation therefore, practice assertiveness when it comes to communication ; communicate Using i statements however, this negative! Updated: December 23, 2021, my husband choose his family over you is if you others... The Lord of the family encourage him to break the patriarchal norms of Worlds! Talk about certain issues and work on your team-playing skills as youre not born them... Al-Hajah ) or Istikhara is expected to prioritize his parents over to your place instead frequency for his life! That affection as an affront to her place in her life in is! Married, divorce, or marry a second wife him and his willingness to change, anything is possible you...
Scary Language Translator,
Articles M